I am Alive

Every now and then, I find myself lost in the memories.
Memories that span across two decades.
Memories of tales, stories and wonders.

I can't begin to believe them all.

What a long, strange road it has been.

I can recall the moonlit nights in the ancient house.
It was cold at night and too hot at day.
And there were sounds in the quiet, be they ghost or mouse,
But this was the home I loved and stayed.

The grass grew tall and wild untamed.
The trees, easy to climb, and the woods thick.
The patter of bare feet on a drive half-paved.
And playing knights with swords of sticks.

I can remember the birth of my baby sister.
I had a sidekick for all my glorious tales.
And when I met a girl, Hey, I kissed her.
Taking advantage of the cooties like sales.

I had my friend Ryan and John and Corey.
And met them when I moved to the city of stone.
And while this didn't have the wonderful story,
I met many new people at this new home.

And things were wonderful, my droogs and I.
Birthdays and Holidays and reasons to play.
Made damn sure that I had no reason to cry.
But if only that was the way it could stay.

His worries grew, as did his strife.
If it were not for my sister, I'd have ran.
From the hand that was pulled back for a strike.
I dreamed at night, nightmares were the hand.

But my brother came into the world,
And alleviated the pain for just a while.
But it didn't take long for it to unfurl.
I suppose his joy was just a guile.

But we three and my friends still had our days.
We still had adventures, despite the bad.
And we made for the best, we always found ways.
And oh what wonderful powers we had.

John was a wizard, and could conjure up spells.
Ryan was a spy, and he always so clever.
Corey was a wrestler, and he always brought hell.
I was a warrior of light, heroic forever.

I prayed at night before bed and my dreams,
And my siblings joined in loudly and with faith.
And no matter how dark things ever seemed.
We knew that God would not let us go to waste.

Mom was wounded, and Dad was stressed.
She could barely walk. And dad could barely cope.
And we were unaware of our family's distress.
We were innocent, full of joy and hope.

Sometimes, these things happen, and it cannot slow.
But despite all the the pain, we continued on.
We went to the mountains, in the summer's glow.
And so soft the grass we made our bed's on.

Halloween taught us to enjoy that fright.
And every Thanksgiving we ate like pigs.
Christmas every winter was a beautiful sight.
And St Pattie's taught us all how to jig.

But something brewed in the depth of our laughs,
And the chaos that it brought came in droves.
And it sent us running, hiding in the grass,
In the woods, in the water and in the groves.

No matter where we ran, the break still came.
His abuses grew worse, as the bruises grew dark.
I never thought my father would be insane.
But I understood this with ever single new mark.

For years and years, the joy and the pain,
Went hand in hand, and this was just life.
And after it broke down, rape and bane,
My family imploded, my heart, jackknifed.

My Uncle and Grandpa passed into the sky.
My true father figures, now cast out of here.
And when my heroes in life had died,
My family collapsed and left me in fear.

My mind broke, my heart was in shambles.
My confidence scattered and my conscience vanished.
My words were stammering nonsensical rambles.
And my fists grew into tools of creation banished.

I lost my smile, and I lost my woe.
I lost my anger, I lost my guilt.
And as the loss of my mind goes,
My innocence suddenly began to wilt.

My fist met flesh so that I could learn pain.
My words like daggers, cut open those 'friends'.
I studied their hatred of me to my gain.
And used their emotions to all of my own ends.

I was a MONSTER. In every sense of the term.
And I had no shame in being truly a villain.
And those joyous memories began to churn.
And were fading, with all the joy I was killing.

I carved and sculpted my hatred into skin.
I used my hands and words as blades and tools.
I made them pay for the suffering I was in.
And my faith fell into the blood pools.

God died. A brutal and bloody death.
And I stood alone, standing in the aftermath.
And he laid dead with all of the rest.
My love and innocence couldn't stop the bloodbath.

And I was cast out by the fates as it would seem.
Sent with my siblings to homes away from here.
And as things grew darker, I screamed.
I embraced the divide and welcomed my fear.

The world cast into darkness, far from home.
The adventures were no longer enjoyed.
I was a warrior murdering foes alone.
I had no allies, I had lost the boys.

Then it came, a day of change and return.
I committed a crime so terrible and sinister.
I taught myself in a moment what took a lifetime to learn.
I returned to my knees and pleaded to the minister.

I was never absolved and god had remained dead.
But the darkness which enveloped me faded away.
My sobs and guilt and pain filled my head.
And the rest came back day by day by day.

I fell into a new darkness, it was cold and bleak.
I didn't harm others, I didn't deserve them at all.
I knew what I had done, and felt pathetic and meek.
I had no way to end the suffering, Didn't have the gall.

And when things began to piece themselves together,
Just when my family had finally been rejoined.
Another divide cast us away, seemingly forever.
And I passed my time through use of coin and loin.

When the broken shards of life were swept again,
Cast into a dustpan and thrown in the closet,
I tested my mind with experiments in friends.
And when things got busy, I simply had to pause it.

But time passed, and the old wounds scabbed to infect.
I met a girl, who helped lift me from the deep.
She was kind to me and gave me undeserved respect.
But this was short-lived, and cast me back to sleep.

And when I woke, a rose was there, aglow.
She had been there for some time but I had yet to take heed.
She raised me from my hell and allowed me to know.
That the pain I felt, the guilt, could someday recede.

Her words cast the Monster into the cage deep inside.
And there he remains, waiting, planning his escape.
But til then the Rose's love leaves him to burn alive.
And no longer will he be allowed to innocence's nape.

Time moved on. The infection sealed shut.
And the family once broken, was now on the mend.
The experiments continued and ended my rut.
I could finally tell myself that I had friends.

Through clash and test and struggle and strife,
Through hell and back again, and even further.
No weapon, no gun, no axe and no knife,
Could ever harm as I was once as I had been nurtured.

Love, patience, and a reformed moral code,
Taught to me by my Rose and by my dead uncle past.
Allowed me to find myself some new method and mode.
And I could only hope that this new high could last.

Despite my sister's troubles, her running away.
And despite my brother's worries, his life growing complex.
And my mother's problems, her health worsening every day.
I know that I have yet to even reach my apex.

My sister will grow up, and learn a harsh lesson.
She will improve as a person, once she is humble.
My brother's woes will be handled as the complexities lessen.
As he grows into a man and learns how not to stumble.

My mother will learn to put faith into the doctors.
Her accident in my childhood has left her crippled.
She wanted to give up but her love for us stopped her.
And when they can help, the healing water will ripple.

Casting our family into a period of rise.
I will marry my Rose, and teach her the joy she gave.
My sister will somehow learn to be wise.
My brother and mother will learn to be saved.

And those woes, the abuse, the separation will be gone.
Left in the past, and left far behind.
And when I think about all of what was so wrong,
I must remind myself of what was also kind.

The soft grass of the mountains, and the ocean's cold water.
The fighter's at the base roaring loudly and flying high.
The sound of a firework and the squeak of the teeter-totter.
And the sound of laughter echoing into the sky.

So much time has passed in twenty two years.
So many experiences both good and bad.
And for all that I have been, felt, loved and feared,
I couldn't ever trade away all I have had.

Because, I can't help but think. While I reflect.
I'm only twenty-two. I have many years left.

Yes.

Between the abuses, the nights spent crying, in beds foreign to me.
The worries of my mother's pains in the night, and the concerns I had
of my sister and brother's sobs. I learned to live. And lived to learn.

So much time has passed. And it has been a long strange road.

But there is still much more road to travel on.

And now that I think about it.

Its not so bad.

Not that I have you.

Yes you.
Reading this now.

I have you.

You have me.

No matter how bad things get. Remember, we're all here.

All of us, who have ever felt pain. Who have ever been forced to survive instead of thrive. We who have learned to be strong, not because we want to, but because we had to.

I have my Rose.

You will have yours.

And to my Rose, I thank you.

And to my family, I thank you.
And to my friends, the Spy, the Wizard, and the Wrestler. I thank you.
And to my new friends, the Vagabond, the Vulcan, the Guy, I thank you.
To the people I will meet, to the ones I already have, I thank you.

To all those who will ever say you hate me, I thank you.
To those who will ever say they love me, I thank you.

You make this life worth walking.

Experiences, good and bad.

Are all better than no experiences at all.

I thank you.

Live.

Live Well.

And I will seize it for what it is. And walk this path with my head held high.


This isn't well written.
This isn't poetry.
This isn't anything special.

This is me.

Saying thank you.

Saying....

I am alive.