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November 3, 2012
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In terms of suns and ancient stone,
Tomorrow's the day we die.
So bar the doors with brittle bones,
And together we will cry.

It's our slow apocalypse.
And deep within we thrive.
I'd destroy the world to taste your lips,
And watch them burn alive.

So gaze through the window pane,
And seek out my favorite star.
And see us dance in Solar rain,
And on Saturn's ring we leave a scar.

A ballad of two in loving death.
Can beckon in a time of hope.
Despite the words of all the rest,
And distance seen in a telescope.

I'll spin her round and bring her home.
To where we find our window pane,
And I'll let her lay in dreams she roams.
While she dreams of the solar rain.

Then in my mind I fly away,
Back to real life's creeping end.
And to the end I choose to stay,
Forever the reaper's friend.
:3 a blues song
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:iconnycterent:
Hi *THEendOmega,

I'm going to start with a rundown of the overall summary of the poem's message. That way, you'll see what I'm reading as I go down the piece and whether that works with what you're trying to express.

Summary of poem’s narrative:

Title: Suggests that the entire poem sequence is a dream of someone who is a friend of the Grim Reaper/Death.

Stanza 1: There are multiple suns (stars for different galaxies?) and an ancient stone. These indicate that the narrator and someone(?) else will die. The narrator suggests that they bar doors (doors to their homes?) with bones (bars made of bone?) and everyone cries.

Stanza 2: Something is happening that is the apocalypse (either emotional or literal) and the characters seem to celebrate this. The narrator says that s/he would destroy the world for a kiss from the other character and watch the lips burn alive [here, by the way, I think there’s an attribution error: lips = they, world = it ]

Stanza 3: The narrator urges the reader to look out at the stars outside and find the one that the narrator likes most. There, the narrator says, the narrator and another character dance in space and do damage to Saturn’s ring.

Stanza 4: The dance in space is a ballad of two dead people which can inspire people when they’re feeling hopeful, despite the distance.

Stanza 5: The narrator will bring the other character back to earth after they dance and she will fall asleep by the window from Stanza 3 and dream of the dance.

Stanza 6: The narrator wakes up to his real life and confirms his loyalty to the Grim Reaper.

Overall story impressions: It's probably clear from the summary that I wasn’t quite following the overall story. Tentatively, I’m guessing that the story is about the Narrator daydreaming about dancing in the stars with a girl, but then wakes up and sees himself back in mundane life.

The stumbling blocks for me, though, are in all the other stuff. What apocalypse? Who is this Grim Reaper? Is the girl the Reaper? Who is the narrator talking to when he says “you” (the reader?) and when he uses “we” (the we that bar the doors with bones and who thrive)?

There are many images and concepts, but I am not seeing the thread that ties them together. In fact, my final impression is that this is a poem is an epilogue to some story that’ already been written, rather than a piece that stands on its own feet independently. This sometimes happens when the writer has a very clear vision of the world, and so only needs a few reference keywords to bring it to life in his imagination. That doesn’t, however, always work with the reader who is a complete stranger and lacks those same points of reference.

Structure: In terms of rhyme and meter, the piece uses an abab rhyme scheme and starts out in a more-or-less iambic meter (a regular, da-DUM-da-DUM rhythm), but it does stumble out of the pattern at times, creating irregularities.

Example:
In terms of suns and ancient stone, ( - / - / - / - / )
Tomorrow's the day we die. ( - / - - / - / )
So bar the doors with brittle bones, ( - / - / - / - / )
And together we will cry. ( - - / - / - / )

It's our slow apocalypse. ( / - / - / - / )
And deep within we thrive. ( - / - / - / )
I'd destroy the world to taste your lips, (- - / - / - / - / )
And watch them burn alive. ( - / - / - / )

So gaze through the window pane, ( - / - - / - / )
And seek out my favorite star. ( - / - - / - - / )
[...etc]

With the strong stresses (the DUM’s) being marked as slashes ( / ) and the weak beats (the da of the da-DUM) as dashes ( - ). A poem doesn’t have to have perfectly regular rhythm, necessarily, but smoothing it out will strengthen the piece since it’s so close to regular already.

Winding down, I'd like to also mention that I did see that this piece is listed under the Song & Lyrics category, but decided to approach it as a poem. Do you have the music that it will go to or a recorded version of the song? The reason I approach it as a poem is because lyrics, in general, should be taken in context with song and music. I'll rock out to Ke$ha, but I wouldn’t read her songs.

I hope that the comments here will be helpful, and if not on this piece, then perhaps sometime in the future. Please let me know if you have any questions about anything I said or want to discuss something I brought up.

Good luck writing!

`nycterent

PS. I don't believe in rating what I critique, so the stars are the same for every critique I post.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconblingsparks101:
message:

I got the impression that you were talking about grief for a loved one lost, a lover. when you are asleep you dream that she is with you again, and that you are happy. When you wake you must leave her behind as she (metaphorically) continues to rest. you have decided now that grieving has been done, and that you wish to return to your present life and move on with it even though you still miss her.

positive:

I adored the lines:
"I'd destroy the world to taste your lips,
And watch them burn alive."
That, to me, was the most striking part of the poem. I didn't have any trouble at all interpreting the poem- I say interpret because I don't know if that was the intended meaning or not- your imagery really helped me track the piece from beginning to end. Keep up the good work! XD

Improving points:

I truly felt like this poem would have read better if you had kept up a more consistent use of her/your. In the beginning you establish that the girl you speak of is the reader, but later you switch (as if telling the reader about her). Either one would have been fine, but using both is confusing. that's just a simple POV error that you could fix in a jiffy! In addition, I felt like it was a bit vague in the first stanza compared to the others, are you talking about your relationship with her dying? That could just be me not understanding what you were trying to say, but it seemed a little unrelated.

I hope you thought this helpful. Happy writing! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconnycterent:
nycterent Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Professional Writer
What kind of critique are you looking for here?
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:icontheendomega:
THEendOmega Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Critiques are things that Premium Membership people can give. They're long, extensive reviews of the work. Good points, bad points, and a grade based on 1-5 stars in Originality, Technique, Impact and Vision. Then an overall grade based on those four grades. :3


They're special because when you get one, everybody on both of the persons' watch lists, the artist's and critic's, can see them and give the work more of an audience.
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:iconnycterent:
nycterent Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Professional Writer
That's not what I meant at all. I mean the question to ask, what would you like a critique to focus on, and how do you plan to use the critiques you get?
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:icontheendomega:
THEendOmega Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ah. lol. sorry. I'm tired. Overthinking some things, underthinking others.

I use the critiques to improve on some things. I used to have a lot of grammatical issues of when I wrote. Thanks to a number of critiques which pointed it out, I worked on improving that issue.

I don't really want critiques on any particular subject. I let the critic decide what is important to address or to compliment or point out. I like harsh criticism as much as I like praise. On one hand, I get to learn how to improve. And the other? Who doesn't like praise.

Thats why I ALWAYS request a critique.

Because, Why pass up an opportunity to work on my abilities?
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:iconnycterent:
nycterent Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Professional Writer
There we go - critiqued!
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:icontheendomega:
THEendOmega Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much!
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